I posted a bunch of stuff over here because somehow, this journal has taken a turn for the emo whiny abstract rhetoric and now has little to do with things that actually happen to me. What am I saying ? I know exactly how it happened: I just stopped writing "today I had spaghetti for lunch and my science teacher sucks" entry since the tenth grade. But oh, wasn't that just the good life ?

Anyway, I think that this aptly describes what's going on right now, friends-wise. To be perfectly honest with the world (and myself, I guess), I feel like the biggest loser most of the time because no matter how much fun we have at school, I barely ever see anybody outside of class. Over time, this has turned into a massive, internalized "is it me ?" angst crisis, which tends to make me a little psychotic, which in turns leads me to believe that yes, it probably is me and my insanity that keeps people away.

And so I'll say it once again, because by now it's almost a joke: I miss my friends. At least they think I'm cool and make an effort to hang out with me outside of places where they were forced to see me (ie school and work). Maybe I just lack the ability to meet new people -- well, I know I do -- but then today it hit me that I haven't made a huge effort to take people from work up on their offers to go out (usually drinking).

How's that for mundane ? I mean, it's pretty obvious that not having any close friends out here is what's making this so hard, but it never really did quite dawn on me that it was the only thing that was making this so hard.

My aunt made a comment the other night about how I should be appreciating the fact that these will probably be the best years of my life. Wow. Who says that to someone ? "Hey, your homesick depression will be the high point of your existence, so um ... enjoy ?" She was wistfully thinking back to a time where all she had to look forward to was a bright future filled with hope. Oh, spare me. I want to slap her far too often for this to be a healthy relationship. Right now I'm looking forward to a future filled with the best years of my life, years that will begin as soon as I find a place where I can be content for more than five minutes. And right now I just don't know where that will be. It's kind of a cliffhanger ...

Will I make friends and establish a proper life and be happy doing what I love out here ?

or

Will I decide that I miss everything too much and go home, only to find that nothing is how I remembered it, that life is just the same old thing back there, and that I shouldn't have gone back ?

I have another year and a half to figure out what to do. I think that's ample time, considering everything that's happened in the past eighteen months; hell, that long ago I wasn't even considering film school as a serious option. I just kind of wish I knew, even if it takes the fun out of it, because I feel like it would spare me the anxiety.