I am so terrified of failure -- a topic so well-trodden that it's hardly necessary for me to explain why -- but anyway, it's so terrifying for me to even think of not getting this job that I almost didn't apply, which would lead to the same end result: no dream job. I almost did the same thing when I applied to film school; my sister had to force me to send my application in. The thought of giving someone else the power to alter the course of my life is worse than not having any prospects because I refuse to put myself out there.

And what IS that? I am not this person. In my head I am strong-willed, I stand by my decisions, I am that person who can do it all; in other words, I am my mother. But here I am, shaking because I've just sent off what I needed to send and now all I can do is wait and hope that things work out.

I want to go back to being that cocky seventeen year-old who thought that she deserved to have all the good things in life handed to her, because it beats being twenty-one, scared and alone. It gets better, it gets better, it gets better.